Man so here we go again where I don’t really know what to do. I am so sick of how everything is happening it is making me feel like I am working for a lose cause. I really don’t know why I am writting but I am in the mood to do it so I am. Things are so hard and I am so tired of having to deal with them. I am tried of the enviorment. I am sick of problems I just want to take the little things that I have and just run away to a land that know where would ever find me. I think things would be better then I would just have to worry about myself and I would not have to ask anyone for help at all. I just woke up this morning not feeling so good and I don’t know why that is happening either I guess it is just me saying bitch you about to have a bad day and watch what I say it is going to come to pass. I don’t know what is wrong with me.. I talked to one of my great friends last night and I mean she has been here with me for years and we always talk.. She did not beat around the bush or anything she was like child ” are you starting to feel like that cold person that I was before” and my answer for that was yes I mean she understands and know one else really does. I am just ready to quit on everything like on the real. NO ONE CARES AND PLEASE DON’T COMMENT AND SAY THAT YOU DO. I am starting to say fuck the world fuck the univers just everything on the real. I mean that is the best way right?
If you don’t care about none of these things where do your problems come from. You are just alone dealing with yourself trying to get things together for you. I mean that right there sounds like the perfect life for me right now I am just so tried of trying. I want to go in a rock and never come back out. I want to go to mexico and leave down there I jsut want to be out. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I don’t know what that looks like. I mean I have really had it. I have had problems heartache and the worst kind of abuse but hey I don’t care anymore. This is the end of this blog
It was me and you since I could remember. Holding hands playing games and sitting in our colorful chairs that mama got us when we where younger. I remember when we could get you to do anything and you would always smile and go along. Years past and I watched you grow up and we where the best of friends we talked about any and everything and I had your back just like you had mine. We rode the yellow school buses together and always was in trouble maybe that was a sign. I know that I have not been the best of person all the time but I tried to stick it out with you lil bro. But I don’t want to lose you forever today is the hardest day that I have every been through I was at mama house and I started missing you so bad. I mean I have to help get your clothes together for them to send you some where and I do’nt know when the next time that I will be able to see you they are sending you away I can’t even see you in court I mean someone has to watch grandma why Tip and Ma go to your apperence. Man Abe I wish you would have choose other things to do. I mean the streets have nothing out there for you but hurt, jail and death and I don’t want to see any of them things happen to you and that is on the real. I mean you always say that you have changed and you start doing the same thing over and over again. I mean you know if I had my own you could have stayed with me but things have not worked out like that and I am not the best big sister for that. I mean everyone is going through. On the real you know that this is hurting the family I mean you know how great grandma loves you and she needs the man of the house around why she is going through this sick stuff. I mean this time that you have away you need to think about what you really want.. I mean I you more than likely never see this letter but I am writting this to you and telling that I love you and nothing well ever change that…
Ok so a little insight about how I was feeling I was not in the right mind to be writting anything. But the thing that I found out today is that when you really need help you ask. I mean really instead of being angry and crying all day talk to the people that care about you and I am sure that you will come to some kind of conculsion about the whole thing. I mean I had to go through this day for a reason taking angue out on people that care about you and seeing them cry because of what you are saying and doing. That is one thing that I have to learn is how to let my angue out better than what I do. I mean right now I don’t know what to do about so many things I am just trying to get things meet I mean in so many ways. I got so much help today just from my grandmother for those who read this let me know what is going on. It all started from me leaving my grandmothers and I started living at my baby and her mom. So we where sleeping one night and got woke up at like 4 and her mom told us to get out so that is what we had to do. And we came and stayed with a friend or what not and we have to end of the month to find some where to stay. So that is what I am trying to process right now. Trying to figure out what is our move from here. I mean besides that I am not so pleasing to others I guess this is the times to see who your real friends and family are. Umm I think that is going to be hard but oh well! So what else is going on with me. Let me see let me see:) So I don’t think that I have anything more to talk about so that is the end of this blog
So I don’t know why I am feeling like writting but I am and I think it is going to make me feel better before I go on with this day.. So as you may know things are hard for me right now and yeah I know we all go through this but today is so crazy because I feel it more than I ever had. I have so many thoughts running through my brain and it is making my head hurt oh so bad, but like I tell everyone this is what I am use to. My heart hearts so bad and it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest at any point with the blood viens and all. I feel like a book that is never going to end a chapter with know closer. I feel like giving up all it all and just leaving and never returning going to stay in a shelter some where any where would be better then here right now. I fucking hate this I am sick of being so happy about anything right now and that is not who I am.. I am mad ass fuck!!! And today is the day that I am coming to notice that. I feel empty like I don’t care about anything. I feel like I am getting back to the place where I was before before I meet all the great people that I know now. But sometimes I guess you have to do what you have to. Making away for yourself and not caring how you get to it. I want to jump on a bus and just ride off with it some where just see what life has in store for me. I mean I am not leaving my girlfriend or anything she has to come. But I don’t know what is wrong with me today and I just had to right some of my thoughts I don’t really know what else to say.
Ok so let me make myself very clear I don’t need anyone for anything because if I really need something I can get it myself and if you think that I am changing lose my contact information. I am the same person that I was before… So yea that is what I have to say I am so sick of this shit and tired of fake people acting to be my friend. Really I don’t need anyone to be my friend at all. I can take care of me the best that I can and fuck what everyone else is saying so if you think I am changing lose my contact info….
I live a life for other people and I am so sick of that. I try to make others happy and really where is my happiness. Things are so getting so hard these days and my mind can not take it anymore. I am so sick of crying tears that seem to be worth nothing. Sometimes I just wish that I could be left alone to figure things out and make sense of everything. I am tired of wishing on things that never seem to happen and just make me go into a worse place in life. I am not here to leave life for others anymore and I know I am just saying it and I really have to show it. But the past things that have been happening to me I really think that I can make it happen this time. I showed love to so many people and they really showed it back but for the others that didn’t I am not letting you hurt me anymore it is just making me stronger. I am going to be that person that I am set up to be and nothing is going to hold me back. I mean really I am not gone try so hard to make you like me if you can’t take me for the real me. I am that person and I am not that story. I am the one that makes me whole and I tried to let other people make me like this. Life is yours to live, and really it has taken me this long to figure it out. I am not going to cry anymore for people that didn’t show that they cared about me and didn’t take me for me . I am so sick of hurting and being judged because I will never be perfect and I am not going to be that person that others want me to be. Yeah I have been here 20 years and I don’t really have anything to show for it. I don’t really have a lot of schooling at all but that is about to change because I am not going to let people get in between me and that. I want to really make a change in this world to make it better for at least one person so they don’t have to go through so much pain that I have gone through. Because life has a lot to offer for anyone. I let things get to me so bad that I was thinking about ending my own and I had a community there to show me the love and support that I needed and one thing that stuck out in my mind was there is really it is two different things it is wanting to die and it is wanting just to be happy and the thing that I wanted was to feel happy and yea that was the truth. I thought that ending everything would make it oh so better but really I would still be hurting if that makes sense. I still have a long life to live. Hurting is hard but I have to deal with hit I am at that healing stage that I want to be at.
I know that I am strong and one of my friends that i shall not put a name to said that I have a warrior heart yes I do friend and I want to thank you for saying that. Just sitting here thinking about everything I have to say that I can smile because shit like this is happening me out. I am not going to take it to heart anymore because maybe I need to go through them to get where I need to be. I am not worried about being judged about anything anymore my mask is gone an I am not going to pretend to be happy around you when I am really not. I always thought I had to be a better person but really I don’t I don’t have to please anyone but me. I am not happy with the person that I tried to me I am happy of the person that I am now. Changes come and some seem to hurt but always you can work it out and maybe it is for the best. I am not going back to living how I was before. So if you don’t like what I am saying I really don’t care because this is how I feel and if you are a friend you will understand this.
I hate how things are right now. As I sit at the computer with tears running down my face. I mean there are so many problems that pop up and people just don’t understand. I am at a bad point in my life right now I mean nothing serious just trying to figure things out basically. I don’t know what to do anymore and I really have nothing to write because I hurt so bad so I am gone end right now. I am sorry.
So a while ago I was sitting on my grandmothers front proch getting ready to go out and dance with my brothers and sisters like always in the middle of the street on Orient. So as we walked off the porch and started dancing in the middle of the street the sweetest older lady came walking down the street and gave us the warmest smile in the world. I don’t know why it affected me so bad but as she starred me in the face with this smile it felt like we connected at that moment in time. Like she was feeling my pain and I was feeling hers. It was know judging or anything at all so I begin to cry. As she walked up the hill and I watched her walk away it felt like a big burden was taken of me. She turned the corner and the only thing was left was the longest salt and pepper hair that I had every seen. After that day I had wondered to myself was she real because I had never had something like this happen to me before in my life. A smile that seemed like she had knew me forever and really she didn’t know me and I knew that I didn’t know her she is still the lady with know name. She pops out in my mind all the time because I never really saw her again and I wonder will I ever. I take that smile as a blessing because she made me feel so much better and I felt like I was not judged at all.
Can you control what life throughs at you? Most people think that they can, and I know this because I am one of them people. Always trying to take a handle on any and everthing that is thrown at me. I am beating myself down to try and make sense of all of this factors and it is really getting to me and I really don’t know what to do aboiut it. Man I can’t stand the rain. Trying to be that lending shoulder or that helping hand why can’t I offer that to myself. I am a worrier to many and a great delight to others I can’t tell why. But I continue to grow and stay strong because I know I will not be in this storm for long. I am going through at test that is how I look at it. My brain hurts trying to figure out all this problems and why it is happening to me but really I can’t answer it. But I won’t give up because I am that person with the voice and the courage to take it. I don’t know if that makes since but my mind is all up in the air. I have so many thoughts running through my mind and I think that is the reason for all my hurt and heartache. I can’t say that I am perfect but I really want things to be like they once was. I mean life was not golden but at least a couple of years ago it was easier. I mean I had places to go and feel really great and people to talk to but I just don’t feel that anymore. Because I mean the one place that made me feel happy is now gone and I really want to see that around again. It just feels like my community is getting really small and I don’t really know why I mean I have a lot of friends but it is someone failing. But I don’t know what else to say it is getting really late and I will have more to say about it tommorrow.
So as you can tell from the poem above I am really felling this girl. And I don’t know what to do about it. I know that it will never come to past for use to be happy together. I mean everything about them makes me feel happy for just that moment. She is so amazing and confident really a strong African American women. I think the one that I have been waiting so long to meet and I have. When I spend time with it feels like my life is at ease nothing in this world is wrong, know body is judging me my sky is blue. My joy is here and can’t anyone take it away Man I have met this girl!