So I am writing once again about some things that are going on. For the past couple of weeks I don’t know what I have turned into. I don’t know what is going on with that. I see myself letting things go that I use to care about but that are not really on my mind anymore. Man I am fighting to lose a battle that I know I will never win. I was in school going and doing my studying but I have fell off the ball with that. Maybe I am going through a depression that makes me feel shit or worth nothing. Well it ever end. I think it is time for me to reclaim somethings that I once loved doing. Can you believe me saying that I don’t really dance anymore clubbing is really not on my mind. Just sitting and talking on the phone is my new life. Will I ever find someone that will love me for me or will I be alone all my life. Man see what am I talking about I am downing myself once again. A never ending battling me aganist myself. I am so judge mental about my self making sure everything is perfect making sure I am taking care of other people and not making sure that I am happy. To my friends I am sorry that I am not around and joyful as I once was but I will be back around soon. I just have to figure a lot out about myself. But I know this is not a over night thing and it will take sometime. But for now this is the end of my blog and there will me more to follow I promise.

Who am I really I feel like I don’t have the voice! And I don’t know what to do about that. Will I go through life trying to please everyone to make sure they will stay apart of my life. Man I am in the mix and I feel the only time I write in this blog is when I am sad and not feeling so good. Tears run down my cheeks as I try not to cry I have so much bottled up in said and I wish that I would all just go away I am really tired of feeling this way. My stomach hurts but head feels so bad. I am just a burden to myself and I don’ t like how this is sounding but I am sure it will pass with time. I listen to music wishing that i was the person in the video but that will never come either. I am 19 with know life running around trying to help this person and that person I wish I was at home. Home what am i saying where is that I feel so unhappy at any placethat I go.  I am really missing the person that I care so much about in this world but I think that I kinda messed that up as well. I want to grow like the trees in the park I want to soar like the eagles in the sky. I want to buzz like the bumble bee’s why can’t I be like that. As a tear sheds my knees start to shake as I take a deep breath my chest hurts man what the hell is going on. Maybe I need to sleep on it and maybe in the morning I will feel a little better. I know life is hard and you have to deal with it and that is what I am doing I am not gone stop I am gone leave each day like it is the last. I know I am sad for this moment in time. I mean everything that is going on right now is not all that bad I mean I have school that I am happy to be apart of it. I have friends that I love with all my heart because I know that they really care about me. I have this dog that takes care of me and I know it should be the other way around but he knows I don’t feel so great these days so he lays his head in my lap and keeps me company. I have my brother that I talk to I mean he is only 12 but her is always there for me he jokes and makes faces that he knows will make me smile and think about something else. I am losing sight of all the things that I once enjoyed doing but it is not gone completely. Really who am I!

So today I woke up not feeling good and full of emotions and I don’t know where is it coming from. I am feeling sick of people and tired of problems and drama what is going on. I thought after having such a good time last night things would be better today but no. My family is getting to me really bad not like they are doing shit to bother me but I have just been very easy brought to tears. I am in this relationship that I just don’t  know if  I feel about the same that I use to about them but I am trying to make it work and that is causing my sadness as well. I have this people that I just started hanging around and I feel like I am a piece of meat to them and really that is not going to happen. I wonder is that all they see me a fling or good time. Man what is wrong with me? I really feel like saying forget about  everything but I know that I can’t I can’t give up on the people I know that love and I know for sure that some of them don’t care and that is whats wrong. I let what people say and do  get to me and I don’t know how to handle it really. I  feel so gross and so out of place all the time and I know that it will pass and I will get over it but when? Things have a period of time that can’t be judged you just have to face it head on and I am really trying to do that. But when you need someone to talk to you always have at least one person that you can count on. Even though you have messed up days there are brighter things to always come. Seeing standing around dancing and talking always bring a smile to your face. The motion of people enjoying each others company and showing so much love just tells you that there will be a better day. The lifting on hands and the steps that they create man that is just the best. Yeah so I think that doing this blog and seeing people so happy has just made my day better. Thank the forces from behind to for the creation of friends.

Have you ever felt like that earth was crumbling right under your feet. Like apart of you was leaving and seemed never to be coming back. Everyday was a constant battle to regain the life that you was oh so use to. Joking and playing and talking to the ones that you love so much. Have you ever. Joining the community that was built around you and that you felt so great to be apart of. Seeing how other showed loved and respect for one another why can’t the whole world be like that. People that take you kindness for a weakness and try to take control and run everything about you. Why do I hurt I ask myself. I try not to think about the bad and the things that have happened, but I always say that things happen for a reason don’t matter how bad they are. Some people like to react on the weakness of  another person and try to get there happiness through them know matter how they gain that or how it makes the other person feel. Because in there minds it’s all about them and there are taking care of things that they missed out on once in a lifetime. Have you ever? My mind hurts as I think about it but really it is not my problem to fight alone. They are so many things that I have not had time to do but I feel every messed up thing that happens I have a little more time to get them. It is only making me stronger I have came to that I will get by. I want for the day to say that man look at the things that I have been through and I have got through them, but that day seems so long away. God knows why I was created because I am suppose to be strong and kind and welling to  help. So I bow my head and say Thank You! I know now I feel like apart of me is gone but it will be back each tear I shed and each bit of pain that I have I am that person and I will all ways be Shannon and like I always say can’t know anyone take that away from me it is mines. You may try to hurt me and you may try to make me feel bad but think it is only for that moment in time because I will get through it and still have my head held high and thanking you for making me stronger. So if you are reading this I want to say thank you for being there the  best way that you can for the good and the bad because I am gone be here until I know that I have reachedt that point in life where I know that I have leaved life to the fullest.

Shannon

Have things every seem to be going really good and you have a problem  in the world. That is how I am feeling for the first time in along time and I don’t know why this is so. Because I still have to figure out what I want and need out of life but it does not seem important at the moment. I mean there is a lot of things that I want and need to do but I want to take things one thing at a time. It seems to be really nice to just have to worry about school and nothing else. I feel like I am really going to be down this time in May because I can just work on this and nothing else school is something that I really want to get down so I can feel like I have down something that I really wanted no quitting in the middle and giving up because I can put my full attention to it. I have this people that want help me succeed in this and I really don’t want to let them down. But enough talk about school. I have left my home for the third time in the past couple of years and that is really hard for be because I feel that I have to help them out and give them my full attention and all the things I can offer, and I don’t know why I feel like this. Many people do this I think get so into taking care of other people you have know time for yourself. I am all about the healing and taking care of myself. That is what it all boils down to I can’t take care of other people until I take of myself first. And that is really new to me because that is something that I really not done before and it is time. My world now is coming together I did not know that when you have something happen that is out of your control it gives you  a new outlook on different things. Because before I was all about taking care  of others and not myself and from now on it is all about me and nothing well get in the way.

Should I speak or should I hold things inside. My body hurts as it goes through so much pain. I try to make it stop but it never seems to go away. I wonder if it will always feel this way or just for this period of time. I feel like a child lost in the streets fighting to regain the life that they once knew. I am that person that has the voice to stand even if it shacks for that second in time but I know that I will feel better for that moment in time. My name is Shannon and can’t anyone take that away from me. I hold on to that as a key for a front door yes my name is Shannon. I am that kid that smiles all the time and even when things feel so bad I joke and dance and tell everyone one I love them because I am that shinning star. I am a book with know ending with many chapters to follow I am that person. I know sometimes things happen to make you doubt about who you are but that never gets you to the place that makes you feel any better. Like my friends say let someone help you because you can’t handle it alone I am that person. Yes my name is Shannon and I am that person that loves myself even when the odds are against myself.

So I was at the the ubuntu healing meeting the other day and Manju asked up a really amazing question which was,” What kind of world we would love to leave in”. So I thought about it and the world I would like to stay it would feel free and full of love. A world full of peace and honor and self respect. People willing to make change. And respond in the was that is necessary to make to make everyone fell loved and cherished that is the kind of world I would love to leave in. But there where so many other different responses to this question like on person said that they wanted to stay in a world that they felt safe to be themselves and not afraid about what people would do or say. And someone else saying that they wanted to help feed all people they where willing to give there last little bit to make someone else feel better. See all this amazing things can be said in world’s but really it is up to us to make them happen. Just imagine a world like that it really would be nice. So I want to thank everyone who made me see that there are people willing and has the self drive to speak there mind and saying things that needed to be said. The world where so nice and filling with love that really made my day and I know it did for many others.

This year is going to be so great! So many different things is going to be different not trying to leave this year like the last said goodbye to that last night. Really I have not seen so many happy faces like I did last night as they raised the middle fingers to say goodbye to such a fucked up year. I have so many goals that I want to set to show that I can really can make change to myself and my community. I got something so great for the new year I get to go out to another place in the states to see many other different things and that really should be great as well. But the one thing that I really want to get done this year is school I really think that it is gone happen because I have so many great people giving me the support and help that I need to make this happen and I want to say thank you to you all. I have so many other things that I have to give up on because it is really not for me and sitting here thinking about it is not better time than now to do it. This is the the end of a old year and the beginning of something new and I can’t wait to see what happens and where it takes me!

There has been so much going on in the last couple of days, but I really got something that really reflects about who I am or what I am. So the other day I went and got a tattoo on my back that is really perfect about me I got some angel wings on my back with the word angel in it. And I got this because as I think about all the things that I have went through and experienced there must be something watching over me or really I am a angel lol I really doubt that though. But this tattoo is really something that I am glad to have because out of all the ones that I have I can really smile about this one and tell people that I have a reason for this one. I see so many people with tattoos that they have and they have this reason about it and now I have a reason for mine. I am not saying that tattoos are the best way to to show who you but that is one way you can show some of you in and outer thoughts about yourself and what you are really thinking or feeling. So I just wanted to share with you all the purpose of my tattoo.

Have you ever felt so bad about how things where going. It seems that nothing was going right. People always saying try you best don’t give up.  But if you think about that gets really hard sometimes at least for me nothing is coming together. When I try to do something it seems to fail right before my eyes. I lay and cry and ask myself am I gone every believe in myself but I am really starting to doubt it. I am tired of acting like this strong person in front of everyone because really inside that is not how I feel about a lot of things. I went in thinking that I had everything in control but I don’t. I sit in front of this computer and try to think about what I want to say but it is so hard to tell people how you are feeling I don’t want to be judge about none of my feeling so I will keep them to myself. Life is hard and things are bad with my trying to reach for my goals I don’t think know one understands where I am coming from. I know that I can’t be good in all things but I think that I am not good at anything that is important. I love working with computers but every job you see that lets you work with them tells you high school dipolma or GED and how things are looking I am never gone have that don’t matter how hard I try to work towards them it is just not happening in my favor. I am not gone give up on it but that is how I feel and really want to do, but I am not. After my session of schooling today I tossed my books away and came in the house crying because I felt so bad about the things that I didn’t know and it made me feel even worse about myself and I don’t want people going around saying that I can’t learn and I suck. Deep in my heart that is how I felt. I laid there thinking about everything as the tears continued to come down. My family came in and asked what was wrong and the only thing that I could say is that I could not do it and that was really bad but after talking to them and some of my friends the clouds are starting to go away I feel a little about the whole thing the only thing I can do is try I guess. This is not really a blog entry for school is something that I just had to get off my chest to make me feel better.

Shannon